Each week I will spell out the days and my various dates, adventures or lack thereof. If I have written a story about that particular date or event or whatever, I will link it here as well. I will also add a summary and some “parting thoughts” at the end.
Monday: Winter in Berlin is tough. Grey, wet, dark days- everyday! I have been saying, we get about 47 seconds of sunshine every three days! I am a sunshine girl! I spent 3 years traveling around the world- chasing summer- so this has been brutal! But today there was sunshine! All day! Lots of it! I made my coffee and sat down for my morning ritual of reading blog posts and checking out the net, but I kept looking outside. I had to get out! I literally feel like I raced to be outdoors! I walked the very longest way possible to the cafe to do my work. (I almost never leave the flat on Mondays!) I was so anxious to get out and get sun on my face- I forgot to put makeup on!! I was so inspired, I went to the market when I finished my work and got food and made myself a delicious home cooked dinner too! Felt great all day!
Tuesday: Tonight William, my ex, came for dinner. As I had been thinking about what is important to me and how I want to spend the short days I have left here, I realized my highest priority is to be with people I care about. William may be an ex, but we broke up in such a way that has allowed us to stay very friendly and to care deeply for each other, even from a distance. We see each other at a spoken word event we both enjoy, and hug and kiss and greet each other’s loves with enthusiasm. And he and his girlfriend Alison are always on my guest list for any party I give, and they had come to Thanksgiving dinner recently. So, tonight he was here to have my “World Famous Heart Attack Mac.”
I wasn’t quite done making the food, so he pitched right in, asking me to show him how, and we spent the whole evening in that kind of comfortable place. Good friends, slightly more than friends, a little kiss on the forehead or shoulder here and there.
One of the things we were always great at is talking! We share very similar views on how we practice our polyamory. He was my first polyam boyfriend who had the same “kitchen table polyamory” practice. We enjoy parsing out how our relationships are going with each other, supporting and cheering each other on.
We sat on the couch, snuggled a bit and spent the evening after dinner just catching up. It was peaceful and lovely and so needed. I didn’t even cry until he headed out the door. (I am a crier!) He embraced me, we kissed on the lips, we embraced, kissed, embraced, kissed. I thanked him for coming, we reminded each other how much we mean to each other, and I sent him out the door. As sad as it was, I am so glad I had this one last moment to hold in my heart, a sweet reminder of the lovely thing we still cherish.
Wednesday: I am in a small group of ladies who meet up regularly to talk about the books we are writing, help each other through plotting exercises, grammar questions, and anything else that comes up. It’s been a fun experience, one I am going to miss. Tonight, I went out to Kreuzberg to a small cafe and we settled into a big booth in the back and got down to business. I didn’t work on my book (UGH I need to be more focused on that!) But I got a blog post done. It was something that has been weighing on my mind as I deal with some insecurities about my relationship with Benjamin. Between being long distance, my leaving, the separation from his wife and new job- things have NOT been easy for us, almost since the beginning, and I was feeling it.
Thursday: No Stefan, No sex. SNOOZE. (What good is a sexy blog weekly review when there aren’t any sexy times!? LOL Being Polyam is clearly not only about the sex! LOL) The only good thing to come of this was that I got a big project for work and not going to Stefan allowed me to work on the project until almost midnight!
Friday:Friday Funday! Sunny too! This has been a great week weather wise! Since the beginning of summer, I have been working longer during the week days so I can take Friday off and explore the city. Today after working all morning on that big project, my friend joined me, and we wandered through some of my more favorite colorful neighborhoods. Starting with amazing Mexican food, hitting the outdoor Turkish market along the canal, and then taking a break and some wine at a tiny corner cafe. I had an appointment for a tattoo consultation so we headed to Friedericshain and met the colorful talented lady who will update my travel tattoo and maybe add another one to my shoulder before I leave. We topped the day off with more wine and some apps at our favorite summer time corner bar. It’s not the same in the winter, but the food is still delish, and we enjoy chatting, so it was a lovely way to end the day!
Saturday:Another amazing and sunny winter day! WOW! I met Alison, (one of William’s girlfriends) for lunch. I just adore her, and we try to meet up every couple of months to chat and enjoy each other’s company. It was nice to get out of the house after working so early, even knowing I would have to go back after and do more.
Thankfully, I finished my work in the early evening and had the evening to myself. I hadn’t made any plans since I thought work might go late into the evening. Then I got a text from one of the couples who had been chatting me up on Joyclub. Did I want to be spontaneous? Did I want to meet them this evening? It was actually not an easy decision, and that should have been my first clue. I know I should trust my gut, but also, I kept thinking, but this is my last month in Berlin, and I should be trying to have all the fun! Sentences that include SHOULD are never healthy for me.
Eventually they did come over, we played some, but I was simply not feeling it, and in just over an hour it was clear this wasn’t working. I sent them home, tearfully shutting the door and breaking down emotionally. (I’m going to write about this for this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt: Explore.) I realized tonight that I am not in a place emotionally where I can take on any new feelings, anything extra. I am so close to the surface with all the sad, I cannot hold anything extra right now. I shut down all potential “romances” I was still harboring, and I am going to stay close to home with just my current loves and friends until I leave. Even if that means more days on the couch, it is better for my mental health right now to stick close to them and not do any extra exploring.
Sunday: Another relatively beautiful sunny day! This is unheard of, but enjoyable! Of course, today I also worked all day so, not much fun for me there. It was good to bury myself in my work and not think about the night before or the month ahead. (Today is exactly one month from the date of my flight out of Berlin.) I ate all day, food being my comfort. Leftover mac and cheese, a salad and black bean soup, more mac and cheese, popcorn, crackers… UGH! But I am trying to give myself grace, allow myself to take care of me in a comfortable way right now. I will be in warm sunnier places that will boost my spirit and my desire to get off the couch and move again before too long. For now, I just need the space to wallow a bit and to manage my feelings, even if it means eating them.
On a good note, I did get a blog post done for the awesome Masturbation Monday prompt. The image for this week really inspired me and made me think of some previous experiences. It was good to have that to focus on in the evening once my work was done.
3 days not leaving the flat
1 semi-sexy threesome
1 awesome date with my ex
4 days of more work than usual – all weekend working
1 Friday Funday exploring the city
Not enough kissing
A little squirting
No orgasms, not even in the mood to do it myself
Too many feels and easy cries
2 blog posts here on Lustitude
Clearly an emotional week. Not the sexiest of times, but while my thought and writing lives are always obsessed with sex, it doesn’t always work out that way in reality. I am sure I am not the only one. With only one month left to my sojourn here in Berlin I spent a lot of time this week, both in thought and activity, planning my next steps. I made plane reservations, discussed plans and options with friends, reviewed Airbnb flats, and made lists of things to cancel or change, like insurance and electricity. All the “fun stuff” of moving, compounded by the international and transient elements of my plans.
One of the best parts of this whole thing is that my best friend of 26 years, my life partner, my person, will be able to join me this spring for 4-6 weeks!!! I wouldn’t have been able to see her until probably October and for only about 2 weeks. So, these plans, as sad as they are, will bring her to me for an extended period of time, and that makes me very very happy.
Adding this to the Masturbation Monday Linkup- So many tasty morsels of erotic goodness there! Go and check it out for stories way steamier than this!