Erotic Journaling Challenge prompt: What would you like to explore in your sexuality over the next 30 days?
Hmm, what WOULD I like to explore? Maybe it’s because last week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt was all about celibacy and I had nothing to say for it, (actually, I have a LOT to say about it, but most of it will be in my book!) but shockingly, the first thing that came to mind was “abstinence.” Say what?
Many years ago, (Ok 4 years ago, almost exactly- a short time after leaving my husband and moving to Costa Rica) when I had not yet accepted who I am; open, highly sexual and happy to be me, I bought a book called “The Sex, Flirting, Dating, Hunting and Hoping Diet.” I thought maybe if I didn’t have sex, I would feel better about myself, I would find my peace. Maybe I didn’t really feel as good about myself as I thought I did. I never opened the book. I didn’t really want to dig deep and know me better. I wanted to have sex, and lots of it. I had just left my husband and was eager to make new memories and have new sexual experiences.
“The Sex, Flirting, Dating, Hunting and Hoping Diet” is a 30-Day Challenge to help restore your sanity around relationships, sex, love and romance. It’s intended to reorient your self-worth away from the sex of your attraction and back where it belongs: inside your already brilliant beautiful true self.
I only dated a few men in Costa Rica. I needed the time to recover my broken heart, find myself anew, be unmarried again. But I did have sex with the partners I had, so I never successfully “fasted” from sex for 30-days like the book recommends. Back then, I was still very cautious and careful with this thing I have; this high sex drive, this strong sexuality. I wasn’t comfortable with it yet. I wasn’t sure it was something I welcomed or could accept.
Fast-forward to February 2019. As I look at the next few months, I again wonder if abstinence might be a good idea. I leave Berlin in a few weeks, and will be in limbo, traveling around the UK and Ireland for 5 weeks, before I head to my final (for a while) destination. I leave my two partners here in Germany. Men I love. Men who have taught me so much about sex, love, and relationships. Men who love me for my high sex drive and polyamorous heart, not in spite of it. Men who have not asked to break our connections, but rather plan to continue in our relationships, and let time and life help us figure out the rest.
So, what about this abstinence, you ask? Well, as much as I love random sex dates, threesome fun, and other fine sexual explorations, I am feeling very emotional. I recently wrote about a threesome gone “not so great” because my emotions are just not in a place I could appreciate and enjoy the fun. I worry this state of emotional distress could last a while.
I love change, I love new adventures, but I love Berlin more. I’ve been writing about the distress I’m feeling for having to leave. But I also deeply love the country and city I am going to, so once I get there, I feel like I’ll be able to slowly catch up and breathe again. But what about the meantime?
The relationship structures I have cultivated allow me to explore any romantic or sexual relationship I want. I don’t need to ask permission or even let them know about my experiences if I don’t want to. (Once it gets “serious” I always tell them.) Should I dive into random sex dates? (Temporary travel arrangements don’t leave much time to cultivate meaningful connections.) What if I meet a really great person and have to leave him when I go to my final destination?
Bu what if take a break? Just do it purposefully, a meaningful break. Take the time to find my groove as an “ex-Berliner.” Talk to the loves I left behind, learn what these relationships look like from our new distance. Explore my updated circumstances, make my non-Berlin schedule, all without my pussy doing all the talking. (My pussy frequently makes my schedule here in Berlin, she can be hungry and demanding!) What if I can purposefully find my way, for the five or so weeks of my “in between days,” to continue to be my whole, fully sexual self, but figure out who she is outside of Berlin?
Maybe, if I give myself time, a break from sexual activity, I can gain some emotional freedom from the stress I have been feeling. Maybe I can move forward, a little more secure in the relationships I leave behind. Maybe I can reconnect to the self that has emerged in my time here and figure out how she fits into the bigger wider world.
Or maybe, I will find a totally cool kinky community in my new places and just enjoy every fucking minute of it!
I really enjoy these Erotic Journaling Challenges- not sure how I almost missed this one- but I am glad I didn’t!