I don’t know about you, but I find it difficult to talk about my feelings. I find it difficult not only express my wants and needs, but to even know clearly what they are in the first place. My explorations into polyamory and ethical non-monogamy have made me realize, so many times over the past few months, that I come up against these questions, and realizations I have never really had to think about before.
When I was in Paris a few weeks ago, I listened to an amazing talk by Dan Savage (Savage LoveCast) (Check out the video here- https://youtu.be/brZIb4MG8oA) After hearing the talk, I realized that I really wanted to have a discussion about sex with my partner Stefen. In this video, Dan talks about how in most heterosexual relationships, when we get to the point of consent, we just go for it. We all know how it goes, PIV (Penis in Vagina) so we don’t need to talk about it, we can just do it. But in contrast, the average homosexual relationship gets to the point of consent, and that’s when the talking really starts. Sex can mean so many things, so the first question is “What are you into?” and from there you talk and negotiate and discuss until you figure it out and you are ready to have whatever kind of sex you just agreed to.
POOF! Mind Blown! What if sex meant more than just PIV? What if we were ok with oral or anal or whatever, being the beginning AND the end? What if that’s what a partner wants but hasn’t felt like they could say? What if they want more diversity or other things from your sex life together, but has been reluctant, or shy, or scared to bring it up? All because you never had a real conversation about sex with them? OMG!
My lover Stefen is awesome, the best sex of my life, and he is definitely more “sex-perienced” than me. I mean, a man with a permanently installed sex-swing in his living room, has had some experiences! We have slowly been stretching my sex boundaries, and I’ve loved every minute of it. But this whole idea of asking, “What are you into? What do you like?” It is a discussion we never had, and frankly I was terrified. I saw him three times and had the intention of talking with him, and couldn’t do it until the third. I mean this discussion would open me up to hearing things that might be out of my comfort zone to hear, maybe he would want things that make me uncomfortable, and I was probably going to have to tell him those things that I want too. Oh boy!
So finally, that night, we are chilling at his flat, we smoke a little weed, and we’re nice and relaxed. Like usual, there are red candles lit in the black wrought iron candelabras, the 50-inch flat screen TV is glowing in the dark, and we are sitting naked on his giant couch. I pop the question. Well, actually I start rambling, telling him about the video, what it said, how it really had an impact on my thought process, blah blah blah and then I finally said, “So, I wondered, is there anything about our sex that could be better? Is there anything we don’t do, that you wish we did? Is there anything we should do more or less of? How are we doing here?”
I don’t think talking about sex, about what he wants, or expressing his needs etc. is an issue for him. He is a man, who grew up in East Germany. This is a very direct culture, and he is very comfortable with his sexual choices and lifestyle. These questions did not stress him out or put him back on his heels or make him feel emotional at all. He responded, “Well, I enjoy our sex, and I feel like I usually take what I want, when I want it anyway. So, what about you? What do you want?”
EEK! There it was, the question I knew I was going to have to answer, I clammed up for a moment, it was almost like I couldn’t breathe, (but that would come later! *wink wink*), but here he was, totally comfortable, looking intently at me, and honestly wanting to know the answer to the question, “What am I into?”
I took a deep breathe, and reminded him of a few things I was pretty sure he already knew, (we hadn’t been doing them much lately) and then added two new ones to the list. PHEW! There. Done. But then, Oh Wait, because then I even went out on a limb, I figured I was already in this deep… why not? I breathed in deep and blurted out, “Uhm also, I maybe don’t know some of the things I might want to try. All this is new to me still. There may be things I would enjoy, but I don’t know to ask you for them. Ya know?” He knows. I also told him, “I trust you. I trust your judgement.” He gave me one of his lazy sexy smiles, and nodded his head.
Ten minutes later, he pushed me on to my back, spread my legs, pulled out some new cannabis warming gel, put it in already very warm places, and we did new things. Things I never knew I wanted to do. VOILA! Not only did I not die when I talked to my lover about sex, but I got to experience some new kink. SCORE!
Do you find it difficult to talk to your partner about sex in a direct, honest, specific way?