** I don’t know if this needs a CW or not, but there are a lot of feels, some assumptions, and a D/s/s threesome that was “meh.”***
I had been working 16-hour days for the past three days, and today- Saturday- I had already put in 6 or 7 hours. Now it was evening and I was relaxing on the couch with a glass of Prosecco, when I got a message on Joyclub.
“Hello, remember us? We would like to play with you still, maybe spontaneous meeting?”
She has been sending me messages on and off for more than two weeks, so I entertained the thought. We hadn’t talked about anything specific, but she had made a comment once, something like “Maybe my D and I can use you, you be our sub?” That had appeal to me. I do have this one fantasy…
We exchanged numbers and made a group text with her boyfriend and he immediately started sending me voice texts. First introducing them, then trying to convince me that I should see them that night.
I am hesitant. I am tired. I am so emotional right now- my move from Berlin is exactly a month away. I don’t know the next time I am going to see my boyfriend Benjamin. He is the one I play with in D/s and what I really want is for him to be here, bending me over the chair and giving me a long hard spanking. I think about the fact that I only have a short time left in Berlin. I don’t know the next time I’m going to have such easy access to threesomes, Doms, or spontaneous sex with random people the way I do here. I tell myself I should just do it- get all the experiences I can before I go.
I send a message agreeing to the date and immediately text Benjamin to tell him of my adventures. I think he was more excited than I was. Having a MFF threesome is something we have wanted to do for a while, but we see each other so seldom, we are jealous of the time we actually have together. He asked when they were coming, what will I wear, what are they like?
Then the requests from the other guy, D, start coming in. He would like to give me some instructions on how to greet them at the door. I text Benjamin, getting into the spirit of the whole thing, and ask him if I can do that. Now I have two men telling me what to do! The whole time I’m having fun planning, but also, I feel much more nervous than I usually do when I meet a couple for some fun. Maybe because this guy is obviously an experienced Dom and it’s becoming obvious through his messages that they are much more serious about it than Benjamin and I. Or maybe it’s because I’m only into it because I am having fun with Benjamin, his eager anticipation is contagious.
I feel this nervousness pretty deeply. This is not normal. I’m even a little emotional, tears start to well up and my breathing is short and raspy. I have to sit down and take a minute to compose myself. I hope this goes ok.
They arrive. In theory, D’s plan was to come inside, have ’s’ take off my robe, and move right into following his instructions. But I think he could tell I was pretty nervous, so she kept her coat on (he made her wear just a bra and hold-ups) and I kept my robe on and we had a drink and a brief chat. He told me he was glad I had asked my own Dom if it was ok to play with them, then he told me to sit on the floor next to ‘s’, while they sat on the couch. He explained that I would do everything he said for the rest of the night.
He told me that ’s’ was my gift and I needed to properly show my appreciation by taking her clothes off. She hadn’t spoken to me at all, her English isn’t great, but I wanted to make sure she was ok with all this, but she didn’t talk or show much enthusiasm, so I was a bit uncomfortable. I didn’t want to just start touching her or doing things to her, I am used to a much more mutual coming together. Finally, I just said, “I can’t do this.” So, he “changed the rules” and told her to take my robe off and bring me to the bedroom.
In the bedroom, I laid on the bed and we hugged and kissed a little, but not much really. When Bibi Coco comes over to play, we are such enthusiastic partners that in comparison, this felt bland and disconnected. He told her to go down on me. Again, I suppose she was into it, I had asked them earlier and he confirmed that they are 24/7 D/s in this relationship, so I can only assume they have their agreements. She started to eat me out. It felt good, of course, a woman’s tongue lapping at my vulva, of course feels good! He is sitting on the side of the bed watching and soon lays down next to me, holding me around my shoulders.
I know this feels good, but I can’t focus. I’m not sure I even like this guy, though she seems nice enough. He is so much bossier than Benjamin. Oh Benjamin, I wish it was him here right now. He is so much more in tune to me and what I like, and good lord, he’s not bossy like this. This is taking so long. I feel bad for her, she is really working hard down there but I don’t know, I think this isn’t going to happen.
I look over at D and tell him, “Uhm, this isn’t going to happen.” He is visibly surprised. He protests and I just reach my hand down and stop her from licking my very wet cunt. She comes up, and I swear it looks like she was crying. But then she looks normal again, so what did I see? He has us switch places and I go down on her. Now, I am NOT that experienced here, so my skills are limited, but I tried to use the same “style” she had, figuring we usually do what we like for ourselves. Before long she was thrashing, bucking, and moaning, but all I could think of was, “She has GOT to be faking.”
He made us switch again and he told me she would use my NJoy Pure Wand to make me squirt, and it was my job to show her how, not do it for her, but direct her until she did. I had to tell her when I was about to squirt, so she could drink it. Again, all this just felt so contrived, but I was still trying to get into the spirit of the thing, and I DO love that dang toy and squirting with it.
It went on like this for a while. Him telling us what to do next. Bossing us around directing our every move. I get that is how some people conduct these kinds of “sessions”, but I was just plain uncomfortable. Around this time, I said I needed to go check in with Benjamin so he wouldn’t worry, and we took a break. I refilled our wine glasses and texted him. D went to smoke and told us, when we finished our wine and texting, to go back to the bed and snuggle; stay warm and wait for him. That was awkward.
He came back, smelling of smoke and his very strong cologne. He started the directing again. I told him at least 4 times that my knees don’t bend, (I have severe osteoarthritis) but he kept making directions that required me to kneel or straddle or squat.
I think I am going to cry, this feels so stupid, massage his back? Rub his ass? Sit on his ass while rubbing his back? I am just not into this. Ugh, I’m going to cry, how can I hold this in, deep breathes, this is what you want, you know she is hot, make it work! I really wanted tonight to be something fun. Now he wants me to do get on all fours? I can’t do this. OK, breathe. Why aren’t you enjoying this? No, no crying here.
Again, I stopped the action. Poor ’s’ had been trying to fuck me with a strap-on, and it was not even a little bit exciting. I had to call the whole thing off. I mean hello! This is part of one of my best, wet, sexy dreams and all I can do is try not to cry? Nope. Not happening. I told him, “This just doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to do this anymore.” Again, he looked a bit surprised, but could he really have been surprised when every “command” he gave I had been either defiant or reluctant? I had stopped the action once before, told him I wasn’t going to come another time… this could not have been a shock.
But in the end, he was actually quite good about it. He said, “Sometimes it’s just not right. That’s ok. I’m going to have to punish ’s’ when we get home because I know how good she can be and how skilled she is and if you are not enjoying yourself then, she’ll have to be spanked.”
That made me uncomfortable all over again. I knew it was in MY head and also my lack of chemistry with HIM was a big part, but I tried not to let that stress me even more. Their dynamic was something they would have to figure out. I already had enough emotions going on. She never looked at me again as she packed up the toys, went to the bathroom, and got her coat. It was barely an hour and a half later, when I met them at the door and he hugged me goodbye. That’s when my tears started to flow. He said,
“It’s ok. At least you tried. It’s not for everyone. At least you didn’t just talk on your computer, you lived, you felt.”
I liked what he said- on one hand- I certainly try to LIVE not observe life. But on the other hand, he seemed to be implying that the D/s dynamic is not for me, without any acknowledgment that maybe it was simply the timing or, ahem, the people involved. Because believe me when Benjamin says “Stay” and leaves me on all fours with my ass in the air, knees or not, I stay that way waiting to see what happened next. When he tells me to bend over the chair and unhooks his belt, I cannot wait to count the beats at his command. When he calls me on the phone to direct me to find random things to put inside me, I say, “Yes sir” and send him pics. So, uhm… yeah- chemistry!
I feel defeated. They left and I feel relieved, but also, sad. I wanted to feel this new thing. I wanted to have an experience that was outside my comfort zone, but I guess not this far out. I love exploring new things, but I just can’t tonight. My heart is breaking with sadness for leaving my loves and my city. There is no room in this raw emotional place for me to figure out how to work with anything new or extra. I miss Benjamin. I want his hand on my ass. I want to sleep curled up against his back, comforted by his presence. I don’t want new. I want my loves. I need my people, not random people
What I know now:
- When you are already emotionally vulnerable, that is NOT the time to try new things that’ll stretch your boundaries and limits
- Not every Dom has a style that suits your needs as an ’s’.
- Never meet people in this D/s dynamic spontaneously, unless you’ve had extensive discussion of potential scenes beforehand
- It’s a ton of fun to text with your BF before meeting a couple for a threesome, but meeting your BF for your own brand of fun, is much better
It took me a while to finally fall asleep. Benjamin and I texted for a while, him comforting me and making sure I was ok, before he went off to bed. I watched some random TV and played solitaire on my phone until I was sure I could sleep without crying. I wish this chance at exploration had been better. I wish I could have written a sexy AF story of beats and strap-ons, and cunt licking, but… sadly this is not that kind of story.
But every experience is valuable, every experience teaches us something about ourselves, if we let it. I deactivated both my Fetlife and my Joyclub accounts the next day. As much as I want to “soak up every last drop of hedonism” here in Berlin, right now, it’s just not me. I’m going to stick close to home, close to my couch, close to my texts, close to my loves. I’m going to write, and do Friday Funday with my friend, and coffee with ALL the other friends, and see Stefan every week and Benjamin as often as he can, because this is what matters. Random unicorn sex exploration with a 24/7 D/s couple SOUNDS good… but I have these amazing loves, Benjamin/Stefan- right here and that is what I need right now.
This post is part of the Wicked Wednesday Prompt! Check out super amazing erotic stories this week about the theme EXPLORE!